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User talk:King Irving
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the A Fun Night Out page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ImGonnaBeThatGuy (talk) 15:10, September 3, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:18, February 17, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story Your story was not up to our quality standards. Your intuition when you made the WW thread was right. "It had a great concept (imo) but I just kinda dropped the ball." (side note: please post to the WW before posting to the main site as that defeats the purpose of having the WW as a means of getting feedback before it is subjected to QC and possibly deleted.) Punctuation issues: "James left the store.(,) Grocery (grocery) bag in hand," A majority of your dialogue was put into italics as you used two apostrophes instead of quotation marks. (")Get down on the ground.(") (")Do you realize what you have done, James?("), (")See, you weren't supposed to die, James. You were not, supposed to die.("), etc. While on the topic of dialogue, avoid having two characters speaking in the same paragraph. "The killer stopped, and looked at James. "Excuse me?" he seemed confused. "I mean, why are you praying if you're going to kill me, and probably someone else too? You're going to hell anyway."" Wording issues: "He doesn't (didn't) have a wife, kids, stable job. He doesn't (didn't) go out that often, hell, he doesn't (didn't) even have a car yet." (Doesn't is used when talking in present tense, but your story is in past tense.) Story issues: "The Henderson Murderer, yeah, no, that's not me. You can call me Michael." This line might be more effective if you identified him as the Henderson murderer (or mentioned the title of the serial killer before this moment.) "Do you realize what you have done, James?" How did the killer learn James' name/information (whether or not he was a sinner) if his encounter with him was unplanned. (If it was planned, there are a lot of issues with the planning of it, mainly the improbability of James walking down that exact alley and electing to drop his groceries out of shock, and not flee in terror.) Finally the ending needs work. "You didn't think you were gonna get away with it, did you?" This might be more effective if there was a bit more of an interaction between the two. (as it stands a lot of the dialogue feels rushed.) To mirror your post, you had an interesting concept, but the execution needs work. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:52, February 18, 2015 (UTC) An edit An unfinished sentence in your story, Greatest of All Time was brought to my attention recently. I tried to correct the error from: "Those who have dared to return after forfeiting the game once claim that the" to "Those who have dared to return after forfeiting the game once claim that they have seen them weeping in the stands." However, as there weren't too many context clues, I don't know if this is anything at all like you had in mind. I just thought I'd bring it to your attention as you likely have a much better way to finish that sentence. You can do control+F and locate the area I tried to complete if you're looking to change it to something more suitable. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:50, April 28, 2016 (UTC)